More than seven years ago, I suffered an emotional episode (they used to call it a nervous breakdown).  At the time, I thought it was because of the termination of a relationship.  Of course today I know better.  When we don’t listen to those messages that we are receiving every day, the universe will send us louder and louder messages until we have no choice but to listen.  This is part of that story:

In order to be able to share with you about my rebirth, I first need to share with you about my death.  Like most deaths I imagine, it came very suddenly and without warning.  I was going through the worst breakup I had ever experienced (up to that time) and I was heading back to work for my first shift after the Christmas holidays where we lived in Thunder Bay, Ontario.  I was a federal employee and worked for Indian Affairs as a Capital Compliances Officer.  I had a great boss but I did not enjoy the job because I wasn’t able to interact with the First Nation communities (which was what I thought I would be able to do on this job).  I was fretting about going back to the job and leaving my youngest child so early in the morning.  It was January 8, 2004 (this date represents the best of my ability to accurately determine the date) and I had to leave home by 7:30 am to get to work by 8 am (on the reserve) and so it was still dark.  Now I am driving along Simpson Street and I was worrying about my daughter who was only ten at the time having to make her way to school down Algoma Street which had a lot of scary people walking on the street.  I was worrying about her and frustrated with this job that took me away from her and not being able to give her a ride to school which is what I would be doing if I was home with her.  I was also rehashing everything in my mind from my relationship breakup and questioning the Creator’s motives.

So I was getting more and more upset and my heart started pounding really fast.  Now I am on Arthur Street and my heart was pounding so hard and so fast that I actually took my eyes off the road for a moment to look at my chest.  This was of course not a logical response as I would not be able to see my heart but I was experiencing fear that I had not ever experienced before.  Heart palpitations were not a new experience for me as I had suffered from these symptoms and depression most of my life.  I had been diagnosed with a mental illness when my children were still young and the depressive episodes lasted days sometimes.  Sometimes I was not able to come out of my bedroom for three or four days at a time not even being able to make myself a cup of coffee.  This was not a good way to raise and care for my children.  When I looked back up to the road, I was on the wrong side of the road (four lanes) on Arthur Street heading west (around Vickers Park).  Well thankfully there were no vehicles on that side of the road at that time but I realized that what I really needed to do was to get myself to the hospital.  Now at that time, McKellar Hospital was still open and literally just around the corner from where I was.  But it took me twenty minutes to figure out where the hospital was, I was so disoriented.  By the time I got through triage and they took my blood pressure it was something like:  255 over 205.  This doesn’t seem possible but that’s what it was.  Imagine what it was when I was still on the road?

I think at first the hospital thought I was having a heart attack.  I was trying to tell the doctor “it’s not my physical heart that is the problem, it’s my emotional heart”.  They had the social worker interview me and the doctor informed me that I was not going anywhere.  They would be keeping me for observation in south ward 2 (which is the psyche ward).  I had to make arrangements
for my children or the local Aboriginal Child Welfare Agency would be apprehending my children (even though there were adult children to care for the younger ones).  My five children at the time ranged in age between 10 and 23 and only three of them lived with me at that time.  I had no choice but to call my father who was nearly 70 years old at the time and lived north of Sudbury  (about a twelve hour drive) to come and take care of my children while I was in the hospital.  I called my dad and he didn’t even hesitate, he said “I will pack my bag and leave in 20 minutes, do not worry about anything but you”. I can’t imagine the foul winter weather he must have experienced on his way to Thunder Bay from Sudbury at this time of the year and his concern for me.  This
was definitely not the first time I had experienced emotional trauma but it was the first time that I was hospitalized for it.  Thankfully this arrangement appeased the Child Welfare Agency and they backed off indicating that they would need to interview my father once he was in town and check on my children.

This was a very scary time for me.  I do not remember a lot about the hospital stay but I do remember that I felt dead inside.   When I went outside for a cigarette in the evening and I was looking up at the moon, I felt nothing! When I went outside in the morning for a cigarette and was watching and listening to the birdies, I felt nothing!  This was extremely frightening for me.  I had never felt so empty before.  My children came to visit me in the hospital and I could tell that they were very worried about me too.  Mama Bear has always taken care of everybody, what are we going to do now?

I was so grateful to my father for coming to care for my children and then caring for me.  I was in the hospital for about five days and it was quite obvious afterwards that I was not going to be able to care for myself right away.  Dad and I spent our days watching Seinfeld and other comedy shows, me on one couch and dad on the other.  It was good therapy for me ~ laughing.  My dad was like a fireman, always prepared, if one of the kids called and needed a ride, his boots were right there along with his coat and away he would go with his old van.  My dad stayed for about three weeks and then he had to go home to take care of his household (there was a little bit of concern for freezing water pipes).  I was sure sad and a little scared to see him go.  He made sure that I could drive before he left and remember that it was such a foreign feeling for me to get in that truck of mine and drive.

I was off work ten months altogether that year.  For the first time in my life, I had to give myself plenty of time to recover and heal!  I realized after about three months, exactly how exhausted I was.  Then I realized after ten months, how hard I was going to have to work to get myself emotionally stable.  I wish I could tell you that it was easy and all roses from that point on but this  would not be accurate.  It was especially difficult for me to go out anywhere.  The only thing that I made myself do every day was to go out into the yard (we were renting a house that had a fenced in yard) and feed the birds.  I thought to myself, as long as I can do this every day, I should be okay.  I had a minimal income of $786 per month at that time (combination of child tax credit and child support).  I have no idea how we survived those ten months with no income (me and three children).  So I made a deal with the universe, as long as the universe would send me enough money to keep food on the table, I would purchase bird seed and feed the birds.  The universe agreed to my terms and to this day I am committed to feed the birds every day.  There is always bird seed available, if it is getting low, then I know there are more resources coming!

My dad also shared with me at this difficult time that as long as I was taking care of Samantha, my youngest, everything else would fall into place.  So I lived by these guidelines every day and some days that was all I could do.  Some people refer to this as one day at a time or one hour at a time.

Now more than seven years later, I find myself in a similar position.  Of course, my family is fearful for me and doing their best to support me.  They are afraid that I will once again fall victim to a deep depression and be lost to them.  This time was a little different though.  Yes, I am grieving for the loss of my relationship as his life was so intertwined with mine and because we believed that we were brought together through ceremony.  However this time I am still trying to listen to the messages and this morning I realized something very important!  I told myself over these seven plus years and looked forward to the day that I would write a book ~ share my story with those that needed to hear it.  But in those seven plus years, there was always a reason ~ always an excuse why it was not time to write that story:  I haven’t received all the teachings yet, a family member or a friend needs my help, I have to work, I have to earn money, I will write the book when I am on holidays, and so on.  Well guess what?  There is never going to be a perfect time.  The time is now!  And yes, I do want to write that book (inspired by my mother who has written three published books) but in the meantime, the message was very clear this morning, share it online!  How interesting that the universe would choose to use such a venue.

Reflecting back, I used to pray for strength and courage.  I no longer pray for those powers because if you pray for strength, wouldn’t you have to experience a tribulation in order for you to realize that power?  Similarly praying for courage, wouldn’t your very core of your being have to be challenged in order to experience that courage that you prayed for?  Today I pray for: joy, comfort, love, peace, serenity, good health and prosperity!  I am sure as I progress in this lifetime, I will learn other good ways to pray.

Therefore, I no longer want to experience pain and suffering in order to receive these messages and teachings.  I choose to listen to the messages instead.  So I pray to the Creator, the universe, my Spirit Guides and all my relations to assist me to understand the message the first time that it is sent to me.  And in order to do so, I must start writing and sharing in a meaningful way.  I have at many opportunities such as speaking engagements and ceremonies shared my story even at the caution of well-meaning friends who felt I was too forthcoming.  I know that there are other women and other people out there just like me who are searching, searching and in some ways, do not even know what they are searching for.

This is what I believe:  when you have that feeling inside you, usually in your chest area, and it may feel a little uncomfortable, you may not be accustomed to it, it may be diagnosed as anxiety or rapid heart palpitations (this is what happened to me), please be assured and please tell your loved ones that it is likely your Spirit waking up and trying to awaken you to listen!  Years of therapy could not provide that answer to me.  Receiving healing through traditional ceremonies and truly listening to that little voice inside me provided me with the answers.  Understanding my clan also provided me with huge insight into this phenomenon (a story for another day).

So this is the first day of this blog, and after a short discussion with a very good friend of mine who is from the white bear clan (I was told in ceremony over a year ago that the white bear was going to help me) and my girls, who are a constant source of  guidance and inspiration, voilà!  I invite you to be part of this blog and share your insight with others as well.  The teachings state that if you can help one person…